Jonathan Yuen

So long, farewell cruel friendster…I have not had the time to update you since on or about August 2005, but since my return, you have, inter alia, turned commercial, you have become slow to load, you have been filled with crappy ads and pictures, you have crashed on me many times and have denied me entry into my own blog area; so it is not with great bitterness that I bid you a final farewell, and to say: "look girl, it’s not me. It’s YOU."

See you all over at: http://jonathanyuendc.blogspot.com/ where I will continue my rants.

Jon.

i was just about to write a post lamenting (how cliche!) the poor service in singapore, but then realised that we as the customers also have a part to play in this poor service-whose-fault-is-it debacle. i firmly believe that poor attitude on the part of customers usually begets poor service - BUT - the onus, and the greater part of the burden MUST and should fall on the service industry.

Analyzing this issue in terms of burdens to discharge:- the customer owes it to the service staff he is interacting with, to behave like a bloody human being, not like the medieval overlord of some fiefdom. I’ve seen obnoxious assholes in restaurants snap their fingers at the waiters - "hello! hello! you!" - or those pretentious people who tap their cups impatiently with their hands when waiters ask them if they would like more water…where do they think they are? At a high rolling black-jack table in las vegas?! "yeah, come on, hit me with some water now boy…"

Then there are stories abound of the horrific service industry in singapore - from the sales girl who snorts when you ask her whether there is a size 10 of the shoe in the other colour and she snaps in singlish: "you see yourself lah, have have, don’t have then don’t have", or the waiters who look at you, no, wait, look THROUGH you, when you are waving your hand around like an idiot trying to get them to come over…and to my personal favourite - this one is worth describing in detail:- outback restaurant, millenia walk. Had dinner there with my dad and sisters, and halfway through the meal, was commenting to my sister that my glass had a really cool design. then stupid me, realised that the ‘design’ was actually a large crack through the entire glass! called waiter over, who proceeded to say "not leaking what."

i had to ask him THREE times to take the glass back, before he reluctantly complied. and never came back with another glass of water.

then there’s the amazing taxi driver who kept telling me where i ought to live. "uncle, U-turn here…here….HERE!!!" and he ignored me. continued driving straight to another destination and insisted that this was the destination.

even when i said: "look, i’m not trying to be funny, but i live in Hillcourt, not Hilltop" (incredibly, there’s the sign of hilltop right next to where the taxi is stopped!)

Driver: "yes, this one here is hillcourt"

Me: "IT’S NOT, IT SAYS ON THE SIGN HILLTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Driver: "Sign wrong. i know, i driving 20 years."

ok. so i gave up, paid the fare and walked back home instead. simply amazing.

I sincerely think that we ought to abolish the damned compulsary service tax and get back to the system of tipping. The way it works now is that the service charge is already part of the bill - but what if we got lousy service? are we going to end up fighting with the restaurant over the $3 or $5? Hardly. So, there simply is no incentive for these restaurants to train their service staff. I mean, they can mouth off about having won this service award or that service award, but the proof of service is not a stupid sticker that says "service standard-gold", but what one actually gets from them.

I’m sick and tired of having the assumption of good service placed on the sergice industry. If we bring back tipping, then the onus shifts back squarely to the service sector - and they will have to work for their tips, and service charge. sure, there will always be some cheapskates in singapore who will not tip, but i can guarantee you that most of us out there, when we get outstanding service, will certainly be more inclined to tip more than the industry 10%, and will certainly recommend the establishment to other people.

that said and done, here’s a little something for both sides of the fight…and so i say

1) to the customers: "come on guys, these service people are just trying to make a living - you are the customer and they are supposed to serve you, but that doesn’t make you their king, and certainly doesn’t give you the licence to behave like a bloody prick. if you say, excuse me (and mean it) and thank you, and smile, i’m sure they will treat you better; and

2) to the service staff: "look guys, when we call on you, it’s because we are uncomfortable or we want something changed - it’s not that we purposely want to make your life difficult, and sometimes when we raise our voices or sound agitated, it’s because everything seems so out of control for us - and more importantly, we feel that we’re not getting our money’s worth. we would appreciate it if instead of snapping at you, you explain to us why this can’t be done, or when the new stock will come in etc, so that we do not feel like complete idiots."

In other words people, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’…we just have to act more human - and treat people the way we would like to be treated. is that so difficult in this society anymore?

Melanie and I were watching discovery channel last sunday (I think) and there was this programme on the best hotdogs across America. Chilli dogs, NY dogs, fancy japanese styled designer dogs from hollywood, Deep-fried dogs from Texas etc etc and through the entire programme, we just got hungrier and hungrier!

Melanie kept whining about missing those famous hotdogs from Otto’s in oregon, and so Yvette and I decided to go hotdog shopping. Well, the interesting thing we descovered is that there is a total shortage of respectable hotdogs here in Singapore! I mean, those that were on sale were mostly those skinny (and cheap) chicken frank ones that we usually throw into our BBQs…where are those big juicy meaty ones?!?!?! We eventually found some respectably sized ones from Pan Pacific Hotel (garlic pork) and eagerly brough them home to cook.

Alas! we did not have a grill and so mel just boiled them instead. Nonetheless, it was an absolutely satisfying meal. We didn’t have fries, but oh well. next time. Intent on having the absolute hotdog experience, in a fit of madness, mel, yvette and i ran off yesterday to buy a grill (yes, and more hotdogs). this time round, we had grilled dogs, mel whipped up a thick and spicy chilli meat sauce that we slopped all over our lightly grilled buns, add chopped onions, some ‘kraut, grated chedder cheese… food orgasm.

but again, the perfect food experience foiled because we did not have any fries! SO , this weekend, we’ve invited joey, jose and nok to come over too in our final effort to have the perfect hotdog experience. there will be big juicy dogs, toasted buns, onions, cheese, chilli meat sauce, ‘kraut, pickles (yucks) and djion honey mustard. I however, will chooseto defile my dog with ketchup.

i intend to eat myself sick…and im sure joey will show us his absolutely disgusting, yet somewhat fascinating ‘no-hands-hotdog’ party trick. and to top this off, while watching PM’s national day rally.  - B U R P -

I read with great horror the response made by Karen Tan (Ms), the Director of Corporate Communications, Ministry of Health on 13 August 2005 in the Straits Times Forum.

You would think that being the director of corporate comms, she would have a niftier touch? WRONG! let me reproduce her letter:

"I refer to the letter, "Disgnosis, treatment delays almost did son in"…We are sorry to read about the experience of his son.

Translation: We, the royal we, meaning ‘I’ as a human being don’t actually give a shit about you or your son, so by using the royal ‘we’ there is no implication on myself. "Read about" - what? you mean after all the publicity you DIDN’T KNOW and worse still, didn’t bother finding out from your own hospitals what happened? Hello?!? crisis management 101 needed here! i think the MOH needs some serious PR help…

"We would advise Mr Sin to contact the hospital to discuss the issues raised. Complaints about unprofessional conduct can be directed to the Singapore Medical Council."

Translation: Not our problem. (Hello, are you the Ministry of Health or what?! - don’t hospitals come under your purview? IF NOT YOU THEN WHO?!!!!) This is a clear "buzz-off peasant - seek your own redress"

To add insult to injury, she then concludes by saying: " with regard to redress for negligence, this would be through the legal system, similar to all claims for negligance against any service provider."

translation: if you’re not happy, go ahead and try suing us. we’re bigger than you and you know it. Do you feel lucky today punk? and who do you think you are peasant?! How dare you bring your insignificant problem to me and make me waste my time writing this extremely offensive and curt letter. cheh. now on to my coffee break.

the final straw:- "similar to all claims for negligence against any service provider" . Excuse me, hospitals are not just ANY SERVICE PROVIDER…!is she saying that the complaint is so frivolous / vexatious that it’s not even worth her time to investigate - (which is bad) and/or is she saying that the tragedy that happened to poor Mr Sim’s son is so run-of-the-mill, something akin to a disrupted cable connection that leads to a call to the complaints department of StarHub?! (which is worse)

Admittedly, this ridiculous reply may not be of Ms Karen Tan’s doing - she may just be answering in line with her response SOP guidelines - but still, one has to wonder, how in the world, can someone speak so coldly to a man whose son nearly died? If i were here, i would have replied:

" Dear Mr Sim, I am sorry to hear about your unfortunate incident. Rest assured that this is is not indicative of the type of service that we are proud of. We have already begun internal investigations into the matter and we invite you to meet with us to allow us to understand the situation better. We take the care of our patients very seriously, and we are grateful that you have brought this case up to our atttention, so that if needed, and where necessary, we can improve our level of service to the people of SIngapore. Once again, please accept our sincere regret for what has happened to your son and we hope to hear from you soon."

See! it’s not that hard to do! i mean, is it so difficult to behave like a bloody human being?! i know it’s difficult for officials to say ’sorry’ incase they get sued - but acting like a complete robot, being indifferent will DEFINATELY piss people off that much more. Note that in my response, i didn’t apologise, nor did i admit any wrong-doing. One just has to show empathy, and at the end of the day, a little humanity.

But i guess, that is too much to ask of the Director of Communications for the Ministry of Health.

It’s just embarrassing, this whole elected presidency thing - i mean, why bother to have a presidential election when 1) it is already patently clear who the government wants as the president, 2) even assuming that the people of Singapore are allowed to choose, the potential candidates have to be screened by the Presidential Elections Committee (PEC), a panel of appointed gate-keepers that only issued ONE certificate of eligibility?!

I’m not making the usual complaints of ‘lack-of-democracy-in-Singapore’ - just that if the government already has a candidate in mind, then let’s just go ahead and let Parliament confirm President Nathan’s 2nd term. Why bother with the veneer of an election! In its present state, i really feel sorry for President Nathan - because through no fault of his own, his credibility and all his good work will be tarnished internationally because it allows those western ‘freedom-loving’ ‘pro-democracy’ nitpickers to heap scron upon SIngapore and our President.

So i’m making a case for the abolishment of the elected presidency - let’s just go back to having Parliament choose our President. This is because:

i. there have been so few other (qualified) people willing to stand as president (from Ong Teng Cheong’s time even) - that Parliament might as well appoint someone from its ranks to represent Singapore;

ii. In any event, the post of the President is largely symbolic (save for his veto powers which i will deal with in iii.);

iii. Having the Presidency as an appointed post does not take away from the heavy powers of veto and counter-check that the presidential appointee will have, since all his powers and duties are already carefully spelled out and provided for;

iv.There is no point trying to gain legitimacy by calling it an ‘elected precidency’ in form if in substance it is everything, but;

v. it saves potential candidates from horrific public humiliation - like Andrew Kuan (who should have known better and is quoted by the Sunday Times as saying: "I expected the government to discourage me, but not this way. I have never had this experience before…I have grown up very fast"); and

vi. lastly, to the government, look guys, we trust you ok? It’s not like we’re clamouring for the right to burn the flag or to burn crosses on our balconies (we don’t have lawns in Singapore) We trust that you guys will appoint someone that the people will love and respect - and whose credentials are impeccable. Just don’t tell us that there’s going to be an election - and then refuse to allow anyone else to run, because it is extremely embarrassing.

We have nothing against Parliament appointing our President - just that we hate being the butt of foreigner’s jokes yet again.

it got me so sad just reading about the bombings in london. once again, another city brought to a stand-still by the cowardly actions of fanatics who think nothing of harming innocent civilians. i mean, i would have a little more respect if they tried to attack an army base, or ambush soldiers on patrol in "their homeland" - at least then they would be attacking the actual physical manifestations of the government or system that they hate. but civilians sitting in a cafe blown up by a suicide bomber? that’s just sick.

i know war is hell, but somewhere in the mess that is war, there should be honour as well. killing civilians, children indiscriminately just isn’t right. some people argue that US cluster munitions in Iraq and Afghanistan also kill civilians. well, the difference is that unlike suicide bombers and terrorists, the US didn’t purposely target civilians for bombing, in fact, the US makes a pretty determined effort to NOT bomb civilian targets. so the comparison is just ludicrious and simply non-analogous.

so i was thinking, here i am, mad as hell, and what can i do about it? how can i help out? how can i make a tangible difference? (not the kind of "report anything suspicious on the MRT" type of effort…not to deride it or anything!) so i reacted as a true singaporean. ah-hah! i’ll help out with the war on terror by sending food.

yes, you heard me right. send food. send food to the soldiers of the IDF who defend freedom everyday. something tangible, something direct, something real. not just sitting down and feeling that terrorism is a bad thing but "we’re not directly involved WHATTTTTTTT!", or simply shaking your head in the morning when you read about another bombing and go "tsk tsk tsk, so sad".

so there’s this really cool website, that allows you to send food to IDF troops.you can send food packages that include pizzas and burgers. now if we can only figure out a way to send them kosher chicken rice, laksa and popiah.

so i was in the office toilet last week, drying my hands at the hand-drier when this twit rams me with his laptop bag on his way out - and not like a gentle nudge like when someone passes you on the train. annoyed, i turned to him as he walked past and said "hey, you could have at least said excuse me!!"

then it happened. he turns around, face beet red and screams :" F*** you ! who the F do you think you are! i said excuse me, but you just F-ing stand there, who the F do you think you are!…rant rant rant ad nauseum."

holy shit. i swear i never heard him say excuse me. part of me is totally shocked, i mean, here i am, drying my hands at the drier and i have this twit mouthing off and hurling vulgarities at me at the top of his voice and i’m too shocked to react or say anything, another part of me just wants to punch him in the face and break his nose.

instead, what i do is laugh, which in retrospect, was not the best thing to do when someone is screaming at you and verbally abusing you. not a loud burly laugh, not a psychotic or even hysterical laugh - the type of "i’m laughing now cos i’m reaching into my bag to pull out my stabbing knife, the knife i just murdered my entire family with" laugh(both of which would probably have scared him away) ….but a small dismissive "pppffffft!" kind of a snigger. i’ve tried to analyse the situation over and over again, and i still can’t figure out why i sniggered or chuckled.

this sends mr angry man rage-against-the-machine into another spasm of screaming hysteria. he’s screaming so loudly at me that i can’t hear him anymore, i only see his lips moving in slow motion, and notice that he’s starting to froth at the side of his left lip. he concludes his tirade with the most original finale i’ve ever experienced. "F you! F you ! F YOU! FFFFFFF YOU!" before turning around, kicking the door open with his foot, and storming off out of the toilet.

Geez. had a bad day buddy? i’ve read somewhere that singaporeans are some of the most repressed people in the world; that’s why we have things like road rage where normally sedate singaporeans whip out their steering wheel locks and bash the other driver’s head in. or how about the recent case of the insane truck driver who, after exchanging vulgarities with a cyclist, proceeds to purposely run him over and drag his body 800m before even braking?! and how about those asshole drivers who after you’ve overtaken them, proceed to tail-gate you, flash their highbeam at you and hold onto their horns - sometimes even overtaking you back, and them jamming onto their brakes to try to get you to hit them. or maybe even those drivers who tail you menacingly for the next 10 mins until you get so shit scared you drive to a police post - at which time they peel off.

if you’re one of those drivers - you ought to be ashamed of yourself. No, seriously, you ought to take a good look in the mirror, and see the ugly person you are. because even if you were ‘wrongly’ overtaken and the over-taking driver pissed you off, NOTHING can justify that type of dangerous and frankly speaking, ridiculous behaviour. people like you, ought to get your licenses revoked, and get to face our CJ on his grumpiest days, and have him double your sentence at the DPP’s request.

and as for mr ‘F-you’, i hope you learn some new words and enhance your vocabulary..because screaming "F-you" as a response or as an expression of your emotions just doesn’t quite cut it. and even assuming that you said ‘excuse me’ and i didn’t move, it doesn’t give you the right to just smash past me - or to run a cyclist over. people like that, are just plain animals, and you deserve to be put in jail for a long long time.

remember, all you angry people out there, "excuse me" is a request. Not a command - the other party IS allowed to say "no" or "not yet."

Light sabers are real ok! wow. i finally got my belated birthday present from my two pals, Joey and Jose. it was a Master Replica Force FX Epv Darth Vader lightsaber . Awesome! i carefully and respectfully took it out of its box, and turned it on (they had been kind enough to put in some batteries before giving it to me!) WOOOOOSH! and the blade lit up an evil red… swung it around, swoosh! zong! and when i held it still, i could hear the hum of the lightsaber.

then, i ran over and picked up my other light saber, the Luke Skywalker Force FX EpIV one and turned it on too…and proceeded to have a short light saber duel with Joey. our next objective is to put together a short light saber duel, film it and post it up…heh.

Light sabers are the absolutely coolest things. Especially the master replica force FX ones. i mean, i don’t understand why someone would pay US$300 for a authentic prop model (without the blade)!! Pity that the Force FX models are not sturdy enough for duelling…that kinda sucks. defeats the entire purpose of having them make cool movie clashing zinging sounds in the first place! i’m waiting for the day when some company like master replicas makes light sabers sturdy enough for duelling! i’m pretty sure it’s possible.

but meanwhile, i’ve put my two lightsabers right next to my OCS sword on the display table in my living room. it’s a great way to end the day, to just pick up the light sabers, whirl them around a bit and imagine myself slicing through some idiot lawyer’s head ("take that you pond scum!"). people go for after work drinks to unwind, i twirl my light sabers around.

i may not be a jedi (yet) but it’s still great to be able to tell girls "hey you wanna come back to my place and see my light saber?"

I’m actually very excited about the coming National Day in 10 days time. No, Really, I am. I can’t wait to watch the NDP on TV, and i WILL be along orchard road (perched on a ladder) so that i can wave at the mobile column when it passes. Go Combat Engineers! woo-hoo! In a time when it’s fashionable to shun anything patriotic, I’ve already put up the flag, flying it high and proud from my balcony. I’ve never understood why we’re not allowed to fly the flag other than in the month of August. i was just in the US during the 4th of July celebrations, and i must say, i was impressed. Flags everywhere, fireworks, parades…but even before 4th of July, it’s not uncommon to see trucks, homes, shops, just flying the flag. People can say what they want about americans, but they are a very patriotic people. well, mostly anyway. I think that as a people, Singaporeans need to be proud of who they are - instead of dissing Singapore every chance they get; and i think that for those of us who want to fly the flag, we should be allowed to!

now i do want to say something about those singaporeans who take national day as a opportunity to get out of the country. i mean, there’s something fundamentally wrong with that. we have the public holiday so that we can celebrate the day with our country…not so that you can run off to Thailand for the long weekend for shopping.

i do acknowledge that in the recent years, some parts of the NDP have become increasingly tacky - i mean, look, stop with the funky hip-hop dance tracks already ok!! and rappers we are not, so stop having that fat ugly annoying malay guy (whatshisname) poser rapper wannabe jumping around holding a filpped up mic trying vainly to rouse the aunties in the national stadium.."yo yo yo sin-GA-pouuur! Wassup sin-GA-pouuurr…let’s clap for sin-GA-pouuur, uh uh uh uh …say it one time….uh uh uh uh uh …say it with me…"

i can almost imagine the conversations those aunties are having…

"eh, rosie, why that boy on stage say ‘uh uh uh’ hah? he cannot go toilet is it?"

"choy!!! no lah! this one type of sound is the new fashion ok!! my chew-ren all watch the TV video and see black people sing, and they all say ‘uh uh uh uh’ one. "

"eeee-yer, like sex like that."

"how you know, you so long never have already."

change the channel man. yeech. give me count on me singapore anyday. or how about stand up for singapore? i think for patriotic songs we should stick to those militaristic ones, with a nice constant beat. i particularly like "home". always brings a lump to my throat.

so this coming national day, be bold, be patriotic, watch the NDP at home, don’t go overseas to spend your money, start the day by logging onto BBC or CNN (not straits times online - i refuse to pay more..thieves!!!!) see the carnage around us and in the world at large, and be glad that you live in SIngapore. Quit whining about things singapore. in the evening, stand by the roadside and wave at the mobile column.

but don’t come to orchard road please. you’ll be in the way of me and my ladder.

you know, i’m really sick of evil men. i mean, people who are evil. i’m sick of going through writs of summons, OSs, reading thick affidavits of people who lie cheat, steal, scam, con…and then have the nerve to turn around and accuse the other side of ‘breaching his contractual obligations’ or that the 1st Defendant failed to adhere to proper corporate governance…i mean, speak about pot calling the kettle black here! (please, and no TT Durai jokes)

and i or we (the royal ‘we’ of my fellow legal brothers (and sisters)) who have to deal with this type of crap day in and day out) - i mean, it doesn’t matter whether i’m the party filing suit, or the party being sued…most times, the entire thing just stinks.

they should have judges that sit there (like judge Dredd) and they should say things like "you want to claim on this scumbag?" BANG! you’re dead.

"what did i hear you say punk? you breached your employment contract, violated the non-competiton clause but you still want to sue for bonuses unpaid? you have the bloody nerve!" BANG! he’s dead too.

"you want an injunction against the board of directors for what?! you have to be kidding me…" BANG BANG! dead too.

"you want to ask for sole custody care and control of the children just so that you can hit your husband up for more maintenance?" BANG BANG BANG!!

but that plan could backfire. i think if we gave too much power to judges (i.e. the ability to shout BANG BANG BANG!) they would shoot counsel dead too! "you call this an argument?! BANG!

WHAT, no authorities to support this!?? BANG!

and my personal favourite from a dearly beloved judge hearing an appeal on an O18…who shall forever remained unnamed:- "you call this a statement of claim??"

stupid evil doers! sometimes, just sometimes, when i’m scheming and plotting…i imagine myself as a public prosecutor, putting some of these scum bags into jail. i mean, just once in a while, they should let morally outraged counsel (like myself, when i’ve worked myself into a self righteous white rage against my own clients) to volunteer their time as volunteer prosecutors! i would certainly do it…spend a few hours a week putting scumbags in jail…then once relieved, to go back to private practice. i mean, we have CLAS, LAB…and APPs, so we should also have VDPP - Volunteer Deputy Public Prosecutors. but it’s probably a bad idea. the acronym already sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.

then again, i should be grateful for evil people. i mean, in a sick way, doctors should be glad for sick people, insurance people should be glad for paranoid people, and i should be grateful for evil people. after all, they pay pretty well.

so i guess i’m only mad at evil people who don’t pay. yeah, i think that’s it. i’ve nailed my frustration!